The true state of my heart was outed.
My painfully immature longing for audience and affirmation - was laid out bare for you all - where eye and light hit heavy.
And that's good.
When light reaches a stronghold....it's grip is weakened.
How in the world the Holy Spirit got me to actually push publish for that post - I'll never know.
I would like to be recognized as the humble servant who works and toils joyfully - no back-pats needed. No fame flame to blow.
But reality and truth won out yesterday. I do desire constant confirmation and ongoing approval and total acceptance.
I knew this.
But now you do too.
And because of that - I already feel a bit more free....like the chains have been loosened.
Any tendency or sin that gets nurtured and fed in the dark places of our hearts - shrinks when light shines in.
Exposure is medicine.
The enemy likes for things to stay all tucked in and unseen - because when things fester in the dim - they feast..... and take you over.
So it's all good....and I'm glad.....but I do feel found out.
Oddly, I woke up this morning with an old hymn in my head.
Our holy God knew I'd need it. And I could just about cry as I copy this out here....at the care and tenderness and all out knowing of our Abba Father.
Just As I Am
Charlotte Elliot penned this piece when she had been "kept wakeful by distressing thoughts of her apparent uselessness".*
"these thoughts passed by a transition easy to imagine into a spiritual conflict, till she questioned the reality of her whole spiritual life, and wondered whether it were anything better after all than an illusion of the emotions, an illusion ready to be sorrowfully dispelled."*
"She gathered up in her soul the great certainties, not of her emotions, but of her salvation : her Lord, His power, His promise. And taking pen and paper from the table she deliberately set down in writing, for her own comfort, "the formulae of her faith." Hers was a heart which always tended to express its depths in verse. So in verse she restated to herself the Gospel of pardon, peace, and heaven."*
This Charlotte woman - I like her.
And the God we both long to gleam - His love overwhelms me this moment.
After all that spilling out - He would awaken me with verses ladled in verse by a lady who seems to have struggled in a few of the same ways I do.
He's ever so sweet and aware of our every heart moan.
After the song woke me up this morning....I opened my inbox. And waiting for me there....was this:
"Many people that are not interested in minor things make comments such as, “I am just not a details person.” I am guilty. Here is a personal confession. I used to say the above statement precisely because I tied importance to fame and minor things were not important. Honestly, I wanted to be noticed. Even deeper though, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t forgotten. In fact, I think most people struggle with fame not even as much because they want to be known, but more because they are absolutely terrified they will be insignificant and forgotten." **
One of our pastors sends out an email every Wednesday - and the above quote is from today's.
The need for fame
The longing for significance
The desire to be remembered
Familiar topics, eh?
At the end of my last post - I prayed that God would "meet me in the weaving."
It's only been about 24 hours....and He already has.
*Just as I Am (hymn)." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, 11 Apr. 2013. Web. 13 Nov. 2013.
*Brownlie, John. [The Hymns and Hymn Writers of the Church Hymnary.]. London: Henry Frowde, 1911. N. pag. Print.
**Burger, Vernon. "Wandering And Wondering". Nov. 2013. E-mail.