Monday, April 29, 2013


It's when we cease to long - that the battle gets down right scary.....down right serious.

It's when Psalm 42:1 is missing - that we find ourselves walking in the thick brush of enemy territory.

As a deer pants for flowing streams, so my soul pants for you, O God. (Psalm 42:1, ESV)

Make no mistake.....when the longing for Him is lost - that's when we begin to lose.

When the desire for the Divine dwindles - that's when we're desperate.

We can grope around in the world for a while - we can dance with doubt a few rounds....

but when your heart isn't even searching....oh, that's when.

That's when the weary should wail for faith warriors to come - to lift up petitions and storm the gates of Heaven on the lost's behalf. 

Blow the whistles. Ring the bells. Hoot. Holler. Scream. Beg. Make a complete ruckus. Make an absolute idiot of yourself if you have to....

Because like the good preacher eluded to on Sunday....

Sometimes...healing comes when you finally decide to get humble. 

When you get all bare and unprotected and revealed - when the light's illuminating it all.....that's when we overcome.


My faith is too feeble for fake.

I can't afford to front here friends.

I've got to have the real Jesus. Empty rituals and man-made routines and absent-minded traditions....those things won't do. Those things don't woo a doubter.

He's the only one that can do that.

His Spirit is the only thing that can convince a calloused and grown over soul to soar again.

So if you're finding yourself in a state of stagnation - where you don't even desire for the rivers to flow anymore......find yourself some pray-ers and get yourself some prayer.

Because He'll hear. And He'll come. And He'll rescue you right where you are.

Remember...He left the 99 sheep to go after the 1 that had wondered away. Yes He did.

As I pull out of this pit of cynicism and unbelief -  I see that the constant prayers of a husband and the faithful petitions from friends - have reached His listening ear.

Because He's whispering in mine again.

Friday, April 26, 2013


Oh, friends.

Your faithfulness to me this week - it has been a balm of sorts.

The text messages, the emails, the comments.....

 your willingness to pray - it has all carried me over the last few days.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Confusion is still whirling and questions are still being grappled - but I have had moments of hopeful peace.

Even as I published Tuesday's post - I felt a calm and an 'okayness'....almost like a pat on the head from Him.

More, Lord.

I came across a passage in Richard J. Foster's Streams of Living Water that really pressed in on this issue of hollowness and doubt:

"Often times emptiness is a darkness as well. We experience Deus Absconditus, the God who is hidden from us. Dryness too - a Sahara of the heart. Throughout these experiences solitude is our welcome companion, for we are learning to be alone with the Alone. Please understand, this emptiness, this darkness, this dryness is itself prayer. It is a heavenly communion of an ascetic sort. While delight is a feasting, emptiness is a fasting, and both are needed for the growth of the soul."(pg.50)

How fitting that this would happen to be a part of my daily reading for this week. And that line....a Sahara of the heart. Yes, Foster. That's exactly what it feels like. Precisely. To find words that match my was a gift to me.

And then...I again...stumbled across a quote that ringed in truth:

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." - St. Augustine

Yes. Yes, it's true. And for Foster and Augustine to have penned out these thoughts - it must mean that they themselves or someone in close vicinity...had dealt with feeling distant.

And sometimes - we just need to know that we aren't the only ones.

I hope...oh ever do I hope....that if nothing else....opening up on this little spot and hanging everything out here and allowing some vulnerability to seep through - that it has encouraged another flailing sojourner. 

I'm grateful for the kind souls that wonder around this little space. I cherish you.

And I look forward to sprawling out for you all the ways He comes! 

May love and revelation be yours....ours.....this weekend, friends. Hugs to all.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Right Now

Those dry bones from Ezekiel - that's what comes to mind.

Oh friends, weaving words calls for transparency. I cannot hop on the blog and pretend here. I cannot plaster on a fake grin and tap out sweet pretties - when my soul is right dry.

So today -  I offer out some vulnerability. And that's about it. No problem solving. No epiphanies. No new testimonies.

Because a woman - digging her way out of doubt and pushing her way through the smog that cynicism brings - she is weighted down at the moment. Needing only to sit at His feet.

As you well know.....seasons of doubt and questioning have plagued my walk for decades. But this one - it comes so unexpected like....and so heavy. It has a different feel to it - an added cloak.

This isn't doubt all by itself.....cynicism is along for the ride this time, too.

How lovely.

And all this - after a women's conference, after diving into a new season of intercessory prayer, after finally finding Christian fellowship in this big city, after trying to memorize scriptures since the first of the year, after resolving to minister to these wee ones in my home wholeheartedly, after reading daily in the Word about the Word, after listening to sermons all year, after an in depth-study of 1 and 2 Thessalonians, after committing to worship authentically - after all this....

A knock racks at the door.

Doubt......and Cynicism. Hello, it's been a while.

And I try with all my measly might to slam the door shut to them both.....still trying....still trying.

Think flailing fish.

Think flailing fish on a boat just needing to writhe it's way back to water.

That's how I feel.

How is it all playing out, you ask? How does the doubt and cynicism run a muck here?

This time....

I'm questioning the whole of church culture. I'm questioning the stories of those once trusted. I'm sensing manipulation in worship services all over America. I'm beginning to wonder if experiences I've had with the Lord were mere hype....rather than the Holy Spirit. I'm seeing tithe money spent on entertainment in the name of excellence - and I don't know where we should draw the line. I see respected preachers I've gleaned from - calling out other respected preachers I've gleaned from - and it's confusing. I don't know what to do with Christian bookstores that sale scripture littered trinkets for profit and worship services that blow in mist with a fog machine. Could it all be a farce?

And then I look at me - being a apart of all that - and condoning it and buying into it - and relishing in it. And I look at myself and I still see such a lack of compassion....and such strongholds in anger and bitterness and unforgiveness. How are they still there? And I'm all interested in putting an end to human trafficking and such now - right at the time that it has become cool to care.... and I can't help but my faith fake? Is my passion fabricated? Is my walk a result of set-up situations and riding the wings of others and buying into what's selling in the Christian Living category right now?

These questions - these concerns....they aren't entirely wretched. Some of them need raised - but being consumed by them....being confronted with them as doubt settles in - it causes joy to cease.

And it thwarts all effectiveness.

And really, the only thing I know to do is this:

Settle into Him. Just Him. Because where else can I turn? I can shout it all out to the Lord and I'm believing for this. Faith in Him.....comes from Him. The ability to believe in God....comes from God. It's a gift He gives.

I can continue to press in to Him....even when I'm doubting Him. 

When I choose to continue on in prayer, and fellowship, and learning, and serving, and growing, and worship - when I choose to forge ahead in those things...even when I'm questioning His existence and even when I'm questioning His church.....that's when I step on the snake's head. And I'm thinking that that's when the door will slam in the dark faces of doubt and cynical thinking, too.

Snakes stepped on and doors slammed - Christ is able. He speaks truth. I must hold to that.


So I ask you...please....pray for me. Pray that He settles my heart and quiets my Spirit and that He shows me what to accept in today's Christian world and that He shows me what to shun. Pray that we all truly.experience.Him. Pray that we fall in love with Christ and not a show. Pray that and I...will be authentic, real, genuine, true - as we journey out our days here.

Trusting that my next post...due Friday...will be filled with fresh revelations from Him.

Come, Lord. Come.

Until then....the lyrics of the song posted below - they are my prayer.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Home Days

His pockets were bulging with Texas acorns from the parking lot... he stood high and happy...

...up on a platform...

...watching plastic balls work themselves through a maze.

School took place at The Children's Museum yesterday.

And my kindergartner - his mind flew easy and free all those hours. As did mine.

A perk....of being perched right here in one of the largest cities in America - is the seemingly endless array of resources, museums, and opportunities.

As home schoolers....we get to take full advantage.

And it just really makes all this more enjoyable for me.

Because educating your own can wear on a woman. isn't a museum day. It's a home day. 

On home days - we pull out phonics books and math work and puzzle pieces. We leave crumbs on the counters and we make messes and we eat all the snacks that were supposed to last through Friday.

And it's days like these that I fight for air at times.

Case in point....

I woke up this morning to a man looking for clean underwear.

Yes, yes I did.

I'm sure my husband is walking around his office today with a horrible wedgie of some sort - from wearing his least favorite, most uncomfortable pair of boxers. They usually sit at the bottom of his drawer - as a last resort.

But not today. Today...he's more than likely rockin' the wedge. Thanks to his wife.

So before I even emerged from the mattress this morning - I was weary. And feeling inadequate. And very, very behind.


I walked into the kitchen to find that I had forgotten to turn on the dishwasher before bed - leaving us with no clean spoons for breakfast.

And then I turned to the stove and saw that I had failed to scrub the 'soaking' pots from last nights dinner.

And then my oldest had to wear flip flops this morning to the store...because he didn't have any matching socks.

And my to-do's sitting just to my right - this very moment. And I'm counting eight things that didn't get crossed off today. Eight of thirteen.

And sitting here now - as the sun slips away -I feel like a loser. It's a palm to forehead kind of feeling, ya know?

Why in the world would the Lord let the one they call Mama?

And why in the world would He let that gracious man....become one with this flailing woman?

It fails me.

And maybe it does you too. Maybe your day and your feelings paralleled mine. Maybe your forehead is red from the force of your palm, as well?

If so....let us Mama's encourage one another to tackle another day. Just one more. One at a time.

At the very least - let's wash one pair of boxer briefs for our husbands to wear tomorrow, along with one pair of matching socks for the six year old. And while those items are tumbling in the dryer....we can tuck in and pray Truth over ourselves. Find some verses that fit and storm the gates of Heaven with them.

I'll be doing this with Colossians 1:9-14.

All of the Mommy's who struggle with the non-museum days, like I do....

Join me.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


It all started with the daffodils.

Those dancing flowers from Wordsworth's poem.

The blondes and I....around 3pm in the afternoon....everyday....we lose ourselves in another world for a while.

We pick up some rhyme and we read it over and we talk through the meaning and we let the words fill our imaginations with all out wonder.

Sometimes on the back porch - sometimes in the window lit living room - we dare to let our heads leave this big city.....and we take a ride to some far away place that a poet has ventured off to. 

And it makes us soar high.

We've been in William Wordsworth's poems for a few weeks now...walking (stumbling, tripping!) through I Wondered Lonely As a Cloud, and a few more.

These writings...they bring nature right to us. The lakes, the wild flowers, the breeze, the tree-lined hills..... it's a good adventure as we sit here on all this hot pavement.

Since we have been studying these words that so beautifully describe rural adventures....nature has naturally been thick on my mind.

So when the preacher stood up on Sunday morning - and started making mention of nature in the jet black gel pen began to flow faster and faster as I jotted down notes verbatim.

The preacher was hashing out how the earth responds to the Lord's declarations.

(Exodus 19 - the earth shook when Moses met with God on Mount Sinai
Zechariah 4 - mentions the earth splitting
Matthew 27 - says the earth shook and the rocks split
Luke 19 - the rocks would cry out
Luke 23 - darkness covered the land in daytime 
Revelation 5:11 - creatures in Heaven and in the sea recognizing who Christ is)

(Just to name a few.)

And then our preacher....he said....

"Humanity doesn't know what's happening here - but nature does."


Incredible that we...with complex minds and beating hearts and eyes and ears and taste buds and feeling - we can so easily miss Him - yet simple creation that grows from seed and sits in dirt and swims through oceans and sways in wind.........gets it.

Oh that we would be like that.

That we would recognize our Creator when He speaks....that we would react and respond when He declares something in our lives! That we would crack right open for Him....right open for the world to see!

Oh that we wouldn't be able to keep ourselves from it!

As I sit here - flashes of light and deep rumbles of thunder roar outside my window.

And it takes me right to His throne.

Yes...may I do the same for the world!