Oh friends, weaving words calls for transparency. I cannot hop on the blog and pretend here. I cannot plaster on a fake grin and tap out sweet pretties - when my soul is right dry.
So today - I offer out some vulnerability. And that's about it. No problem solving. No epiphanies. No new testimonies.
Because a woman - digging her way out of doubt and pushing her way through the smog that cynicism brings - she is weighted down at the moment. Needing only to sit at His feet.
As you well know.....seasons of doubt and questioning have plagued my walk for decades. But this one - it comes so unexpected like....and so heavy. It has a different feel to it - an added cloak.
This time...it isn't doubt all by itself.....cynicism is along for the ride this time, too.
How lovely.
And all this - after a women's conference, after diving into a new season of intercessory prayer, after finally finding Christian fellowship in this big city, after trying to memorize scriptures since the first of the year, after resolving to minister to these wee ones in my home wholeheartedly, after reading daily in the Word about the Word, after listening to sermons all year, after an in depth-study of 1 and 2 Thessalonians, after committing to worship authentically - after all this....
A knock racks at the door.
Doubt......and Cynicism. Hello, it's been a while.
And I try with all my measly might to slam the door shut to them both.....still trying....still trying.
Think flailing fish.
Think flailing fish on a boat just needing to writhe it's way back to water.
That's how I feel.
How is it all playing out, you ask? How does the doubt and cynicism run a muck here?
This time....
I'm questioning the whole of church culture. I'm questioning the stories of those once trusted. I'm sensing manipulation in worship services all over America. I'm beginning to wonder if experiences I've had with the Lord were mere hype....rather than the Holy Spirit. I'm seeing tithe money spent on entertainment in the name of excellence - and I don't know where we should draw the line. I see respected preachers I've gleaned from - calling out other respected preachers I've gleaned from - and it's confusing. I don't know what to do with Christian bookstores that sale scripture littered trinkets for profit and worship services that blow in mist with a fog machine. Could it all be a farce?
And then I look at me - being a apart of all that - and condoning it and buying into it - and relishing in it. And I look at myself and I still see such a lack of compassion....and such strongholds in anger and bitterness and unforgiveness. How are they still there? And I'm all interested in putting an end to human trafficking and such now - right at the time that it has become cool to care.... and I can't help but wonder....is my faith fake? Is my passion fabricated? Is my walk a result of set-up situations and riding the wings of others and buying into what's selling in the Christian Living category right now?
These questions - these concerns....they aren't entirely wretched. Some of them need raised - but being consumed by them....being confronted with them as doubt settles in - it causes joy to cease.
And it thwarts all effectiveness.
And really, the only thing I know to do is this:
Settle into Him. Just Him. Because where else can I turn? I can shout it all out to the Lord and He.will.here.me. I'm believing for this. Faith in Him.....comes from Him. The ability to believe in God....comes from God. It's a gift He gives.
I can continue to press in to Him....even when I'm doubting Him.
When I choose to continue on in prayer, and fellowship, and learning, and serving, and growing, and worship - when I choose to forge ahead in those things...even when I'm questioning His existence and even when I'm questioning His church.....that's when I step on the snake's head. And I'm thinking that that's when the door will slam in the dark faces of doubt and cynical thinking, too.
Snakes stepped on and doors slammed - Christ is able. He speaks truth. I must hold to that.
Yes?
So I ask you...please....pray for me. Pray that He settles my heart and quiets my Spirit and that He shows me what to accept in today's Christian world and that He shows me what to shun. Pray that we all truly.experience.Him. Pray that we fall in love with Christ and not a show. Pray that we...you and I...will be authentic, real, genuine, true - as we journey out our days here.
Trusting that my next post...due Friday...will be filled with fresh revelations from Him.
Come, Lord. Come.
Until then....the lyrics of the song posted below - they are my prayer.
