Tuesday, March 24, 2009

My Texas Tears

I'm writing with tear-streaked cheeks today, y'all.

And I feel like a baby about it.

My Mama and Daddy came for a visit this past week - and they just pulled out of our driveway to head back to the airport. Pretty soon they will be on a big silver bird flying back to the Mother Ship....also known as Texas.

As my parents were leaving today - I tried my very very best to be a big girl. I really did. But as I watched my parents load up their rent car - that feeling came over me. Remember that feeling? The one you felt when your Mom walked out of your classroom on the first day of kindergarten? The one you felt when that mean girl on the playground called you "scar-face" after you returned to school from having chicken pox? The one that turns your nose red and makes your eyes all glassy as you try to hold back the tears? Yeah. That one. So as my Dad hugged me tight - I turned into that 5 year old girl again. Except this time the girl crying was 25.

Why was it so much harder to watch them leave this time? Maybe its because I'm expecting. Maybe its because our house is completely torn up due to some major remodeling that's going on. Maybe it's worries about work and finances. Maybe I've just become a big baby. Or maybe it is because I'm realizing just how much I need loved ones in my life. Yeah. Maybe I'm realizing that putting up with my Mom's Dr.Pepper addiction and my Dad's weird obsession with cinnamon scented candles could be worth it just to have them close. So worth it. And maybe I'm realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought I was - that its okay to need people. Hmmmm.

I don't know where life will take my little family. I don't know if we will stay put, return to the Homeland or move all over the country. But I do know that something is breaking inside of me from having to say "bye" - and it isn't just my heart. I feel like the " I have to act like I'm strong and can handle it all without any help" characteristic is crumbling. And that's not such a bad thing.

Yes. I sit here in this computer chair feeling like that little girl who used to sit on the porch waving bye to her Daddy leaving for a business trip. A little lonely. A little sad. Red-nosed and teary eyed. But also feeling blessed - knowing that the people flying away on the jet plane are a MUCH NEEDED gift - and that no amount of Dr. Pepper and cinnamon scented candles could ever erase that.

For all of you other Texans that I miss so much - please know that I feel like I need every last crazy one of you - yep - every last crazy one :)

"No body has ever before asked the nuclear family to live all by itself in a box the way we do. With no relatives, no support, we've put it in an impossible situation." - Margaret Mead

"When you look at your life the greatest happiness's are family happiness's." - Joyce Brothers