Somewhere in that topsy tervy period b/w girl and woman - I had a certain kind of boldness that I have since lost.
As I think about how I used to speak my mind in college classes and debate issues that I felt strongly about, I wonder:
"Who is that girl/woman and how can I get her back?"
It seems as if age and life have withered away at my edge and fearlessness in certain situations. I used to speak passionately, yet gently (often times without any backup) about the cry of unborn life, marriage, the government, spirituality, poverty, faith, education, the Bible, and womanhood. What is interesting is that I not only didn't mind standing up for what I believed in - I actually sought it out. I thrived in those moments. I relied on God to give me the right words in those moments, and I was being used for good in those moments. I even attempted (not always succeeding) to be kind and gracious and patient in those intense moments. And all the while - I should have been stronger and I should have been doing more. I think that was always my intention - that as I grew in knowledge and age I would become more bold and more qualified to speak out. But this is what really happened:
More often than not - I find myself avoiding certain hot topics so that I don't get in an argument with people. I hesitate to use words like Jesus and Bible as to not offend anyone. I find myself keeping my mouth shut even when I feel prompted to say something. And instead of seeking out opportunities to stand up - I not only run, I sprint away from them.
And yes, while I realize that keeping your mouth shut in certain situations is a positive - in many ways it just shows how much of a coward I have become. And yes, while it can be good to escape certain situations - sometimes we are called to get in the heat of the battle.
But these days,when I see a spark - instead of flaming it - I flee.
And instead of speaking out with wreck less abandon - I recklessly abandon the whole thing.
I want that gentle boldness back. I want that quiet braison-ness to be a part of who I am once again. But I want to be better at it this time. I want my age, experiences, and lessons learned to team up with that fearless compassion I once had. And unlike then - I want it to be a part of who I am all the time.
Lord, thank you. Thank you for releasing me from some not-so-good things in my past. I'm thankful to be changed. But oh God - let me once again have the tenacity and the strength and the boldness that I so desperately need to lead others to You. You are so good to consistently take ungodly attitudes out of my character, and you are so faithful to replace them with the positive traits I have lost. In Jesus' name, Amen.